Bruce Lee and Wardrobe Malfunctions
A complete oxymoron. It will make sense later in this piece.
Today marks just five days from when I leave Oregon for the state of Washington. I’ve tried to sleep for hours now and it’s just not happening. So I did what most of my ilk do
Make a strong pot of coffee, bought a pack of Camels, and hammer the keys.
I remember people enjoying my previous wardrobe malfunction posted on Facebook. So before moving on here’s another such occasion where wardrobe malfunction makes a funny story.
My girlfriend, for the record I hate that word. However, calling her ‘my lover’ sounds somehow shallow. Simple fact is, she’s that and so much more. Before digressing further, she acquired a new job which is very demanding of her time. Currently living apart, in different states, she working days, and I nights and days. You can see how it may be hard to spend time with one another. We’ve managed to do a hell of job and especially on her part for which I am very thankful.
We spend what time we can on the phone together. Now then, I don’t have a land line. Cell phones and I are worst enemies especially when I am in the field chasing reptiles. I therefore use a durable weatherproof cover. This is great for the smart brick but completely unrealistic for use as a telephone.
Being water proof there is an unbelievably tightly meshed screen over the microphone area of the phone. This makes for very broken conversations. Being the ingenious sort I can be, I figured out a solution. Blue Tooth
Hope calls me and she overhears the television is on (I generally play music or television shows as I work) and she’s not able to hear me clearly. She’s already had a rough day and this was just icing on the cake. I don’t blame her at all and I completely validate why she felt that way, and NO I am not saying that because she is going to read it.
She gets upset and messages something to the effect she was upset. I explained and we came to understand each other better. She agrees to call me after work. I’m thinking awesome. Then it happens, the wardrobe malfunction…
I leave the Blue tooth off when I am not on the phone otherwise I have to wear it to hear any incoming calls. So there I am, I’ve got the laptop blaring music as I am getting ready for the night job. As does any other human, I put pants on, one leg at a time. So I have said pants on one leg partly and…
The phone rings, this wouldn’t be an issue if it was say, I don’t know, my work calling.
No, this was the ringtone for Hope. In case you’ve not figured it out yet, that’s my girlfriends name. So I half scramble, shuffle, and fumble for the phone. This is because the phone is on the desk and I am across the room at the closet. You must remember three things here.
- I’ve already pissed her off (TODAY) with loud background noise
- I have to answer rapidly as we have such limited time
- I have the stereo on and it’s loud
The following happens in mind numbingly slow motion for me personally, but I swear on everything sacred for that singular moment in time.
I was Bruce freaking Lee
Grab phone, unlock phone, put on speaker, to tell her “Hold on!” really loudly to be heard over the music, pick up Blue tooth, turn on Blue tooth, and insert into ear, hit pause on laptop (this is done repeatedly because I have many panes open at one time), all the while trying to not fall over as I pull and tug my pants on.
Thankfully, that won’t be happening anymore soon. Maybe that’s what’s keeping me awake. Maybe it’s the fact that I wrote my Mother.
In October of 2014 I landed in the United States from Canada with a suitcase and a laptop. I lived on a cot for almost three months. That in no way should be seen as a complaint, I could have been on the street. I haven’t spoken or written to my blood family outside of my son in two years. Yesterday was my mothers eighty-fourth birthday. As I said I’ve not spoken with any family in two years. I shared the last communication I had with them with Hope and she shed some light on things for me.
So I finally pulled the trigger and wrote a letter to my mother. In another five days, I will be living in Washington just outside of Seattle.
So in less than a year, so far, I’ve switched countries, for what it’s worth lost everything I ever once owned, been evicted once, lost a job, found a new one in a week, booked and cancelled a flight to my home town in California, found a studio apartment, bought stuff for my apartment, job fell out within months, went back to my original job, met and fell in love with an incredible woman, quit the job, and now I am moving to another new state.
Yeah, you cannot make this shit up…
P.S. Did I mention Hope and I are Editing my Uro book which we thought was edited already.
P.S.S. I’m also working on my poetry manuscript and several other projects simultaneously.